*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”