*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
They got Raph!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back