Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
scared to check what name she chose
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.