My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.