Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Wedding planning is organized crime.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.