My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.