[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
LOL
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!