sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.