Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
A completely valid reaction tbh
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
best review i’ve ever seen
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
WHAT SIGN IS SHE