the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.