Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
how high up are we talkin’?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: