We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs