Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I love wikipedia
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.