[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage