“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.