*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then