‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.