My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫