Mood.. 😂
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I hope it’s French Onion!
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.