“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I think they could have phrased this better
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Important
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
What in the hipster hell is going on here