[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My time has come.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”