Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.