My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry