Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)