I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.