West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Have kids, they said
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
They did not miss in the small print
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
🤣dope
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.