Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on