Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
No. He’s not coming out to play
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you