The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night