Ok who’s got my black socks?
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
why I oughta
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.