Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
You Might Also Like
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*