In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.