#catsoftwitter
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster