If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF