Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Cndnsd Mlk
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever