In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?