I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there