Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good