Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.