If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
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My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it鈥檚 going well!
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I鈥檝e been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Twitter fine art
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor鈥檚 arbory
No weirdos
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
dam girl
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn鈥檛 sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The point of your 20s
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Party hack: Let your guests know it鈥檚 time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don鈥檛 work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.