To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.