Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.