*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again