*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
choose your gary
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake