[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
quarantine day 3
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive