Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language