Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.