[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
What personal space?
My dog
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave