Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
How to draw a duck
I’m having an out of money experience.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.