Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.